Thursday, February 4, 2010

Why do I worry so??????

You know I do not think there is a week that goes by that I am not fretting over something. I make myself nuts and I do not know why I am this way. ( I was not this way when I was younger, it's like I hit a cetain age and boom instant worry wart) I am very specific in my worries as well. Now don't get me wrong I worry about a variety of other things too but not to the extreme that I worry over health issues. I worry about my children's health, my husbands health, and my own constantly. Instead of just taking the advice of my health professional I must turn to the Internet and scare myself silly. Even as I am doing it I tell myself "stop, don't do this your going to freak yourself out" and yet I do it anyway as if I were an addict. Most recently I got a biopsy report back on a mole I had on my foot near my big toe. The nurse called me back and told me that they would have to bring me back in for a surgery to take a little more of the area to get clean margins. I have had to do this a couple times before with other moles as have many of my friends and family. Instead of just making the appt and not worrying about it any further I asked her what the mole was called and how to spell it. Then I went and looked it up. DUMB, DUMB, DUMB!!!! Because of course this type of mole is very rare and while normally benign is known to be unpredictable. It also CLOSELY resembles melanoma and can be mistaken quite easily for it. (so the Internet said) I quickly called the office back and asked it they could please squeeze me in the very next day as I was having a panic attack because what if THE PATHOLOGIST WAS WRONG. I couldn't sleep at all and by the time I got to the office the next day I was in tears. The nurse was so sweet to me as she showed me the pathology report and explained that not only did one Dr look at it but that she concurred with two others just to be positive. She then explained that if there had been any doubt at that point they would have sent it somewhere else for even further testing. My Dr. then came in and I drilled him with the same questions over and over again and he politely gave me the same answer five different ways to try to ease my mind. (all this while doing surgery on my foot bless his heart) Five stitches later (yes, this has really messed up my walking) I left the office feeling a little better. Of course I am still worried. Worried that he didn't get it all and he will have to go back again. Worried that for some strange reason the second pathology report will have a different diagnoses than the first. Worried that even though I don't have skin cancer now that I will get it in the future, I have ALL the risk factors. I live in a sunny climate. I have blue eyes and fair skin. I have more moles on me than you could ever count and they are not light freckles but dark moles. I had tons of sun damage as a kid, we were always at the beach and always getting burnt.

But then I calm down....

I think to myself that everybody has risk factors for something. I tell myself that in some ways these episodes are good for me because it reminds me that I have to go the dermatologist every three months probably for the rest of my life because I am so high risk and as long as I do that there's nothing more I can do. I remind myself that God has a plan for me a plan I believe he knew before I was even born. Not that the decisions and choices I make don't effect this plan but that at the end of the day HE is in charge and I have to let go and give my worries and fears to Him because quite frankly they take a lot out of me. I remind myself of all the other things that have consumed me with worry in the past that have worked out fine. And in my heart I know that this will too. I guess that is why I am writing this down and sharing it with you. So that later when I have moved onto my next worry (because I don't kid myself I know there will be many more worries) I can look back at this post and say "see that worked out just fine and this will too."

So why do I worry so?

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